The Vatican’s Secret Plan to Fill Empty Churches with Cyborgs


Zwinglius Redivivus

The Church may have a Pope the people love but that love sure hasn’t shown itself in devotion to God (funny how that works, isn’t it.  The cult of personality never leads people to God- just to personalities).  Consequently, the church needs a new plan to fill its halls.

downloadThe Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap fix.” “You can’t simply fill a Church with mindless robots and think you’ve solved the issue,” said an anonymous Church official. “This isn’t SSPV.”

But lead scientist for the CDMP Lorenzo Botticelli disagrees with skeptics and says that seeing packed churches will not only help morale with parishioners that…

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